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01 May 2011 @ 04:58 pm
delayed ramblings :o(  
Have I really not written in this since December? Wow. I'm sorry if I made you feel neglected, Livejournal. You know you'll always hold a special place in my heart..

Anyway. At about 6 am this morning, I was profusely crying about various things in my life and it suddenly occurred to me that when I'm crying at 6 in the morning, I'm crying alone, and this was the saddest thing of all.

While living alone certainly has it benefits, I miss having someone around to talk to, to do things with, to get comfort from. I also miss the one who used to be my roommate for so many years, so that makes it even harder. I have a feeling the next few months and especially after will be especially hard on me. It's incredible how much love can affect you.

I have doubts about my future. Once, I felt stable and sure. Now I feel lost.. I'm just grasping at straws of what I think I should do. I have new love in my life, which has and continues to be wonderful, but I just realized last night it's not THE kind of love I'm seeking. I thought it was but I had sort of an epiphany last night. I've known for awhile that the situation surrounding it is not ideal for what I want ultimately, but even if it were, I don't think it'd be what I want. I feel like I had exactly what I want and it just didn't work out... and that really, really hurts. I'm so afraid I'll never find that again. :o(

Things in my life have been up and down lately. I'm meeting lots of new people, going outside my comfort zone to new events and places, and just generally coming into my own. This is what I want, but I'm so sad. I'm having a really difficult time feeling whole by myself and that's something I really, really need to work on. But I don't know what to do. I'm starting to get bitter and jaded and I don't want that to happen.
I need to study more for my boards and take them so I can get my medical license so I can start practicing... but I feel almost no motivation to do so. I don't know why. I love chinese medicine and I love treating people but I just.. I don't know.

I guess I'm done now.
Current Mood: depresseddown
Now I Am Six: misc: heartnowiamsix on May 2nd, 2011 01:53 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I feel like this entry could have been written by me. It's so hard to be by yourself. It's a good thing and it's good FOR you in some aspects, but it's just hard. It's easy to miss what you had.

I wish that I could hug you right now and tell you that it will be all right. I have to tell myself every day. :) I know that we will find purpose in our lives and be happy because we know that's what we want and are taking steps to make it happen. I am very impatient. I want it all to be resolved NOW and settled NOW so that I can relax.

I don't know either. But we'll figure it out. You are so strong and focused and I have no doubt that you have a fabulous and fulfilling life ahead of you. <3